He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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