I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
