Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
