I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize