im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
false alarm, still single
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I did not marry a roomba.
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