I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
