I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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