I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize