my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
