the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
