So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
