TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
