Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
