Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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