"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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