i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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