if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
