My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
