Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
