Can i not drive my cunt home
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
