Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
