Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Shame - the story of my life.
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