I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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