I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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