Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize