that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
