You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
