Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
