Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
