there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
