He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
