upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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