Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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