I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
