she was so not down for the gang bang
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
