i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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