finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
