How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
