cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
