I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize