he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize