you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
