in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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