please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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