My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
