I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
