Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
