Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
