SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
