Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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