good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
