I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
