best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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