Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
