I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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