new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
