i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
