I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
