Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
