I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
