Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize